


A Perfect Understanding (PG-13)

by abundantlyqueer



Category: Lord of the Rings RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-09-02
Updated: 2003-09-02
Packaged: 2017-10-13 01:11:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/131144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abundantlyqueer/pseuds/abundantlyqueer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Oh God, Sean, yes, yes, do it like that," Orli wails, the back of one hand pressed dramatically against his forehead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Perfect Understanding (PG-13)

**Author's Note:**

> I personally would always pass on a story headed as SB/VM, so instead let me say this is a story about four hobbits and an elf discussing SB/VM. Also contains allusions of various degrees to OB/EW, OB/VM, OB/SB, OB/DM, DM/VM, DM/EW, DM/BB, and everyone/SB/VM. Is most definitely NOT taking place in the "See Under: Clue, Getting A" universe.

  
Frodo and Merry are sitting on the steps outside the hobbits' trailer, Frodo smoking a cigarette while Merry tears little bits off the rim of his styrofoam coffee cup and tries to slamdunk them into the inch of flat soda left in the bottom of Frodo's plastic mug. It's not easy; the little styrofoam scraps weigh nothing and the faintest disturbance in the air whips them off course.  
Orli, in Legolas-drag but with his long blonde hair wrapped in a bandanna and a pair of wrap-around shades covering his eyes, bounds up to them, grinning just like the crazy fuck he is.  
"Hey. Guess what?" he laughs.  
"You're an elf," Dom says flatly.  
Orli laughs again, a smooth, low-in-his-throat laugh that signifies deep delight.  
"Yeah," he drawls, lingering over the word and the idea and the whole so-fuckin'-coolness of everything. Abruptly he scowls. "Fucker. That's not what I'm talkin' about. Viggo 'n' Bean are doin' it." He illustrates with a forefinger and fist, smirking in a fashion that can only be described as deeply disturbing.  
"You are not fuckin' serious," Dom protests. "How do you know?"  
"La la la," Elijah sings, loudly but not very melodiously.  
"I went over to Viggo's last night, just on the spur of the moment y'know? An' Bean was there; we sat around, had a few beers, watched some fuckin' East European movie about five guys sitting around a dead goat for three hours and twenty-two minutes. I fell asleep at one point but Viggo woke me up and replayed the bit I missed -- "  
"What's Bean doing while this is going on?" Elijah asks, forgetting he doesn't want to hear this conversation.  
"Sleeping. Snoring his fuckin' head off man. Why doesn't Viggo go improve *his* mind?"  
"Not his mind Viggo's interested in," Dom counters, making the forefinger and fist gesture himself.  
"Nargh! La la I don't want to know la," Elijah sings even louder.  
"So then?" Dom prompts, putting his hand over Elijah's mouth to muffle the atonal singing and a gust of stifled laughter.  
"So then it was like two in the morning an' Viggo and I had call at six today, so I just sacked out on the couch in the studio. Woke up at four to the sound of Viggo fuckin' yelling his head off. 'Oh God, Sean, yes, yes, do it like that'," Orli wails, the back of one hand pressed dramatically against his forehead.  
"You are so fuckin' makin' this up," Dom crows.  
"Yeah, okay, he didn't say that -- he didn't actually *say* anything; it was all incomprehensible, yet strangely communicative. And incredibly fuckin' loud. For someone who talks so quietly ... "  
"Waz up?" Billy asks as he and Astin arrive beside Orli.  
Dom does the forefinger and fist thing all over again. "Viggo and Sean -- Bean," he adds as Astin's eyebrows head for his hairline and he draws breath to protest.  
"Ah fer fuck's sake," Billy yowls bitterly. "Does no one ever think abou' *my* feelin's?"  
Everyone stares at Billy. Elijah's the only one with the courage to actually approach the question.  
"Jeez, Billy. Were you ... did you want to ...?"  
"No yeh dumb fucker," Billy snaps. "I don't want teh. But this means Ah'm the last survivin' heterosexual male in this entire fuckin' hemisphere."  
"Hey," Astin says righteously, but everyone ignores him.  
"It was pretty feckin' obvious there wus somethin' not right abou' Viggo, but Bean? Sharpe? You're telling me Richard Sharpe is buggerin' Aragorn? Tha's jus' not right. My faith is completely fuckin' shattered."  
"In fairness," Orli says, "They might take turns, so sometimes it'd be Aragorn buggering Sharpe."  
"Ah Jesus God stop!" Billy howls.  
"*I'm* not gay," Astin insists.  
"Yer married, it's the same fuckin' thing," Billy grumbles.  
"And we do have our doubts," Dom supplements.  
Astin throws up his hands in disgust.  
"Look at it like this man," Elijah tells Billy cheerfully, "you've got no competition for the women."  
"Ach -- you an' yer fuckin' boyfriend are soaking up all th'female attention between here an' China," Billy says acidly. "By the time th' poor loves figure out they're barkin' up the wrong fuckin' sexual orientation, Ah'm dead drunk an' no use to anyone. Keep your fairy-ass fella under control Lij."  
"That's elf-ass to you," Orli growls. "And anyway, I like women too."  
"Yeh're foolin' no one wi'tha' routine Bloom, we all know yeh're faithful to Lij. Yeh're as fuckin' pathetic as Astin."  
"Hello! I'm right here," Astin says, more out of a sense of duty than any faint hope they'll get off his case.  
"Yeah great anyway," Orli says in a flurry. "We're digressing. Viggo and Bean with the -- " he does the forefinger and fist thing with unnecessarily gleeful vigor. "Do we have a hobbit-elf policy on this?"  
"Well, Orli, generally we're pro-sodomy," Elijah smiles. Orli smiles back and Billy makes a retching noise at the pair of them.  
"I'm just stunned they're both in one piece this morning," Dom says. "I mean -- Viggo 'n' Bean -- I've always imagined severed limbs and gouged eyeballs flying out of the dogfight."  
"And you still wonder why I haven't slept with you?" Elijah asks indignantly, turning his head to consider Dom with round eyes. Dom ducks his head and smirks.  
"I'm leaving now," Astin says, but he folds his arms and settles his weight more comfortably and stays right where he is. "So how do we know they're -- " he breaks off and reluctantly indicates Orli's hands, one set of fingers still loosely looped around the forefinger of the other hand.  
Orli grins evilly and does the thing again, with sound effects.  
"Oh Sean, yes, yes, do it big boy!"  
Astin goes deep pink and covers his face in his hands, but any fool can see he's laughing. Dom and Elijah are in hysterics and Billy's looking wan and muttering something about not in Wellington's army they don't.  
"I heard'em," Orli supplies by way of explanation.  
"You told me Viggo wasn't a screamer," Elijah observes curiously.  
"He wasn't -- not with me, at any rate," Orli shrugs. "It was all very ethereal and reverent; worshipping at the altar of my transcendant beauty an' all that shite. Course, it's also possible he wasn't quiet at all but I just couldn't hear him over the racket I was making."  
"If you two don' stop with the fuckin' visuals I'm goin' tah hafta kill mehself," Billy threatens.  
"It's not that he's that loud," Elijah says helpfully. "It's more that he never stops, I mean *never*. It's like trying to have sex with real-time play-by-play analysis."  
Billy mimes stabbing motions at his own chest.  
"What about Bean?" Dom asks. "Or was he also struck speechless by the sight of your luminously skinny arse?"  
"What d'you mean -- what about Bean?" Orli says loftily. "There are actually people on this shoot I haven't slept with."  
Dom lets his mouth drop open and his eyes widen in pantomimed horror. "Say it isn't so."  
"Yes it is," Billy and Astin say in unison.  
"And *we* never actually *slept*," Orli points out to Dom scrupulously.  
"Because you can't sleep in a dark wet alley accessed solely by climbing out the window of the men's room in an after-hours drinking dive," Elijah says. "Pair of skanks," he finishes affectionately.  
"You're wandering," Astin complains. "Sean and Viggo and the -- " he does the fist and forefinger thing, but very discreetly, sort of vaguely referencing an in-and-out motion rather than actually doing it. "What do we do about it?"  
"Do?" Dom echoes. "I think any doing that's getting done they're getting done without any doing from us."  
"What he said," Elijah grins. "They're like twenty-five years older than us; if we've figured it out by ourselves, I'm sure they have too."  
"What the hell do they talk about?" Orli demands. "They've got like, less than nothing in common."  
"A lot of people felt the same about Viggo and you," Astin says.  
"They had plenty in common," Elijah counters. "They both thought Orli was the most beautiful thing on God's good earth."  
"Mabbe tha's what Viggo and Sean have in common too, worshippin' Orli," Billy hazards.  
"Much as I love the suggestion," Orli sighs, "I have to admit that Captain Sharpe has never offered me impropriety of any kind."  
"Aye. Not counting th' way everytime he fell back into yer lap on the stairs in Moria, he'd say 'left a bit'."  
"Well obviously not counting that."  
"Viggo talks about art and Bean talks about soccer," Astin says with easy conviction. "Just like the rest of the time."  
"Bean never has any fuckin' idea what Viggo's talkin' about when he gets going," Dom complains.  
"Neither do you," Elijah says.  
"Well I'm not sleepin' with 'im, am I?" Dom counters. "Am I?"  
"And in fairness, Viggo doesn't understand Bean either; he's about as good on the off-side rule as Bean is on post-modernism," Orli says.  
"Mabbe they jus' talk abou' the fact tha' they're both scary fuckin' individuals," Billy suggests.  
"Yeah," Dom agrees with relish. "They are -- real shit-kickers."  
"I wouldn't wanna get caught in the middle of something that involved those two guys," Astin nods sagely.  
"I think you're the only one here who can honestly say that," Dom smirks.  
"Aye, frightenin'ly enough, that's true," Billy admits. Dom beams at him.  
"Okay," Elijah announces reluctantly. "Fascinating as this is, I think I'm supposed to be making a movie right now."  
He stands up, brushing Frodo's clothing with the flat of his hand before stepping down onto the grass.  
"Let's go," Astin agrees.  
"I'll walk down with you," Orli says.  
Dom remains where he is, as does Billy. Their unit doesn't begin work for another half-hour, so they still have some time.  
"So ... threeway crush with Viggo 'n' Bean, huh?" Dom asks, as the other two hobbits and the elf disappear over the crest of the hill.  
"No, no' on yer life," Billy smirks. "Ah think Ah'd do better pickin' on someone more meh own size to begin with."  
"I'm wearing you down, aren't I?"  
"Well, yeh're certainly wearin' me out," Billy says, trying and failing to stifle his smile.  
"That's good enough for now," Dom grins.


End file.
